Frozen Condoms in France!

Nurse recommends frozen condom
Nurse recommends frozen condom
OK, OK this is not my normal type of post and please don’t panic; Piglet is not branching out into pornography, but just sharing one of my French “adventures”.

One of our shopping forays for our daughter Piglet in France was to buy a whole list of obscure items including gel to kill ants, bra extensions, baby wipes and condoms. It was like being sent on a “mission”. The shopping list, although not particularly long, was just not the run of the mill items like baguettes, croissants, meat, fruit and vegetables which we were usually tasked to buy.

The purpose of the condoms, I discovered (well I had to ask), was to make sausage-shaped ice packs to help relieve the pain of her fractured coccyx. This novel idea was apparently suggested by a nurse.

Armed with a wad of prescriptions and the “shopping list” Mr. Piglet and I set off in search of some shops. Bearing in mind we do not speak French and we were not familiar with that area of France the list proved to be a bit of a challenge and we were gone for hours!

I could not face searching for condoms in the supermarket so I opted for the Pharmacy while Mr. Piglet waited for the prescriptions. I quickly scanned the shop and spotting a display-stand I nonchalantly walked over to investigate. Trying to look like I was not really interested in the display must have made me look suspicious; there were so many different types to choose from colored, ribbed, horned etc, I hovered indecisively.
Madame” I turned to find a shop assistant standing beside me.
Deep in thought I nearly jumped out of my skin; I felt so embarrassed. “…errrr, parlez–vous Anglais?” I stuttered blushing several shades of pink through to red.
“Oui”
“errr” I hesitated, then blurted out “I want some condoms so I can fill them with water and freeze them”
“Pardon Madame?” she said in a surprised tone as she raised one eyebrow as if to accentuate her misunderstanding.

Yes, I can see why she thought she had misheard my request. So I quickly explained that the nurse had suggested my daughter used condoms as ice packs to relieve the pain caused by a fractured coccyx. She looked at me in complete amazement as she considered my explanation. I swear I could almost hear her mind turning over. “Oui, it’s now official – ze English are crazy!”
“I’ll take these” I smiled sweetly as I grabbed a nondescript packet and went in search of Mr. Piglet.

Mission accomplished we returned to the house and I related the condom story to my daughter. As I acted out both parts with voices and expressions she laughed so much she nearly split her stitches. Oh well glad I cheered someone up. Her hubby was then dispatched to fill some condoms with water and freeze.

The icing on the cake to this story was when the following day our daughter requested her hubby bring a frozen condom to help relieve her pain. I don’t know how I stopped myself laughing out loud when he produced one – filled to bursting point and rather deformed. While my baby Piglet gave him an exasperated look I was given the dubious task of disposing of it.

Now bearing in mind I was staying with in-laws and there was a house full of people what on earth was I meant to do with it? Well, I could hardly put it down the toilet could I? I took the offending article to the kitchen to find a sharp knife so I could release the condom. I was stabbing away at said condom with some vigour when I felt a presence behind me. Oh no, I turned to find my son-in-law’s elderly grandmother standing behind watching my actions with a mixture of curiosity and horror.

Not a word was spoken; she did not speak English and my actions, to her, so say spoke a thousand words. I smiled, shrugged, removed the condom from the ice and threw it in the rubbish bin. The ice left in the sink to melt as though it was an everyday occurrence.

How do you think she related her side of the story to her friends?.

Yes, its official the English are “crazy” but at least we can laugh at ourselves – well I can!

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65 thoughts on “Frozen Condoms in France!

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  1. Ha ha Pip – oh I love your posts! What a great story, you paint your scenes really well and I felt your embarrassment in the pharmacy.
    Frozen condoms eh? I shall see if my midwife sister has heard about that idea, quite clever.
    I hope your daughter is bearing up, I couldn’t imagine the pain she must be in – but great she’s got so many people around her to help out with the baby.
    Keep us posted – have a nice weekend, Marcia.

    Like

    1. Hi akamonsoon,
      there will always be adventures in France: it’s just the cultural, an language differences coupled with my bizare sense of humour. My poor daughter is probably cringing now….
      PiP

      Like

  2. lol too funny. You’re such a good trooper, my friend. 🙂
    I hope your daughter is healing quickly. Is she able to get around without hurting now? I feel so sad for her.

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    1. Hi EC,
      Trooper!LOL I think the French Grandma is still wearing a puzzled expression now!
      No she had a further setback, went to the hospital today so fingers crossed it has now been sorted out. She really has not had it easy poor love.
      PiP 🙂

      Like

  3. Oh my, thanks for the giggles, chortles, and outright snorts of laughter. So many great parts of your writing that I wouldn’t know where to start. I only can say that even I know that a coccyx would need a smaller frozen (THAT’s a condom???!).
    So sorry to read your comment above that she had a further setback, PiP. What a time she’s had.

    Like

    1. Hi Jan,
      Men don’t always listen to instructions – women have logic 🙂

      She has not had an easy time and to be honest IMHO the medical system in France seems not all that it’s cracked up to be. Her setback was due to gross negligence by the medical team delivering Lily-May. My initial instincts and uneasiness about them was correct. Grrrrrrrr
      I sincerely hope she lodges a complaint.

      Like

  4. Oh my! Hilarious! This reminded me of when my husband had a cyst removed from just above his…~coughs~ buttock area and I had to keep it covered.
    He would probably be embarrassed if I told anyone about me having to tape pads back there over the stitches…it was definitely a funny, strange, horrifying experience for me and embarrassing for him!
    Sorry your daughter had a bit of a setback, here’s hoping there won’t be any more!

    Like

  5. Hilarious !! I’m still smiling.
    Frozen condoms !! a new era for the future !! it would help the population to slow down a bit !!!! hehehehe 🙂

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      1. PiP
        If they use frozen condoms, this would surly fix their problem. Maybe Arnie needs a good suppply of the frozen condoms, this would certainly resolve his issues !!!! 🙂

        Like

  6. Penny’s on the money – hilarious. did hubby only freeze one? Good idea, I think, had hubby not got confused about the whole size thing. Men and size….. hehehe
    Perhaps you can console yourself with the thought that maybe grandma didn’t know what a condom is? Unlikely, I know, but it was worth a thought!

    Hope your daughter is feeling better. I can imagine that would be quite painful!

    Like

  7. Brilliant blog Carole, made me laugh so much but I think your daughter might have been better off with a wheat bag that you can freeze, certainly softer on the coxyx…Mx

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  8. I’m way behind commenting on this, but I wanted you to know that this story made me chuckle out loud, when I read it first thing in the morning a couple of days ago. Thanks for the funny story!

    I also want to tell you that I hope your daughter recovers soon. I know you’ve been very concerned about her and very frustrated with the care she received. I’m thinking about you and your whole family and sending good wishes!

    Like

    1. Hi Margaret,
      Every word is true! You could not write that scripit LOL 🙂
      She is beginning to feel better. Her hubby dragged her back to tanother hospital for a second opinion as she was still so ill; they’d left medical compresses inside her when they delieved the baby…been there for 3 weeks (major infections) They may have also misdiagnosed her coccyx as well.
      The saga just drags on.
      PiP

      Like

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